My cell phone’s dictionary recently ran out of space. I was trying to save a word – shagged, I think it was – and I was told mercilessly that I could save no more custom words. So I set about deleting unnecessary words. I found 34 words I felt safe to delete. But what was more telling were some of the unusual words I kept.
Lickabilty. I’d love to remember the text message that needed that word. And words like nookie and skanks.
Then there were some words I thought common enough not to require custom addition – words I kept, like piss, pissed, pooping, and twinkies. (Those four words are inter-related. Think about it.)
Recently, I embarked on a writer’s exercise, an attempt to write a story using each word from a list of about twenty random words. I shall now attempt the same thing with the words I deleted from my cell phone’s custom dictionary:
With an audible ssnnxx, Roach awoke, groggy and hungover from last night’s keggermeister and vicodin binge. ”Y’all wanna shut up in there, ya freakin’ mutts?” he screamed to nobody, not realizing for the moment that the noises were coming from inside his pounding head.
Roach dragged himself from his bed, wishing girlfriend was there to give him some loving. “Yeah, right,” he mumbled. “Wiccans are about as giving of TLC as a clan of flatass KKK’ers.”
He switched on the television, and flipped to the day’s Jerry Springer lummox-fest. But something was weirdly wrong. Jerry was hawking a timeshare opportunity in Prussia, complete with nightly jousting and weekend performances of Nunsense.
“Yous people are crazy,” he said, while wondering if he was still dreaming. Jerry appeared as effervescent as ever, but still. His nooga was as confused as a Baptist performing a humpty dance with his ma.
He flicked off the TV, glad to restore his flat to the dark quiet. Roach paddled into the kitchen for a glass of milk and a few Oreos. But he couldn’t get the thought of the Prussian jousters out of his head.
“I think I could do well in a joust,” thought Roach. “Yes, and I bet a jouster could get girls far cuter than my Panda. THAT would give me bragging rights with those flatasses at work!”
He finished his Oreos, and shuffled back to bed. His head not pounding as severely as before, he rolled over on his pillow and fell back to sleep, wondering how he would incorporate the word gels into this story.
Tags: cell, cellphone, dictionary, lickability, phone
